How to manage anxious or depressed thoughts & cognitive distortions!

Anxiety and depression are extremely common mental health conditions.  They might be related to a stressful event, such as the death of a close family member, loss of a job, or going through a separation/divorce.  Or they might be related to deeper issues, such as having inherited these conditions from a relative, or experiencing childhood trauma.

Regardless of why you experience anxiety or depression, managing your thoughts and feelings is one of the ways you can begin to get control of your mental health.  Here are some suggestions on ways you can manage your depressed or anxious thoughts:

1. Identify and Label Distortions:

• Recognize and become aware of specific cognitive distortions. Common distortions include all-or-nothing thinking, catastrophizing, emotional reasoning and overgeneralization.  Check out my handout for cognitive distortions (aka: stinking thinking, thinking errors, automatic negative thoughts) here: Cognitive Distortions

• Challenge and reframe negative thoughts. Examine the evidence for and against a particular thought, and consider alternative, more balanced perspectives.

• Don’t give your negative thoughts the power they want, but also don’t try to stop your negative thoughts.  Notice them, be aware of them, but always remember to tell yourself that they are not true.

• Check out the “Putting your thoughts on trial” form by following this link: Putting your thoughts on trial

• Ask a family member, friend or professional that you trust!  One of the best ways of countering cognitive distortions is to find information that proves your cognitive distortions wrong.  Think you’re a terrible parent? Ask someone who has seen you with your children if it’s true.  Think you’re weird and awkward in public, ask your closest friend if it’s true.  Think your partner or family member is always angry and upset with you? Ask them if it’s true!

2. Mindfulness and Meditation:

• Practice mindfulness and meditation to increase awareness of your thoughts without judgment. Mindfulness can help you notice and detach from negative thought patterns.

• Yoga is another excellent way to learn how to calm your thoughts down and learn to focus on living in the moment, instead of ruminating on the past or catastrophizing on the future.  Join a yoga class online or in-person or choose from the 1000’s of yoga videos on YouTube or other streaming services.

• Explore techniques such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or yoga to help manage stress and promote relaxation.

1. Positive Affirmations:

• Counter negative thoughts with positive affirmations. Repeat positive and realistic statements about yourself to help rewire your thinking patterns.

• Focus on the positive aspects of your life by keeping a gratitude journal. Regularly write down things you are thankful for, which can shift your perspective.

2. Get out and have fun:

• Humans are not machines: we can’t work 24/7 and expect to feel good about ourselves. Humans, like yourself, need fun, relaxation, distractions, and entertainment to feel good about ourselves. Engage in activities that bring you joy or a sense of accomplishment. This is called “behavioral activation” and involves doing things you used to enjoy, even if you don't feel like it initially.

• Check out SuperBetter.com for a fun and effective way to challenge yourself to engage in positive behaviours that will improve your mental health. 

3. Self-Compassion:

• Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend. Practice self-compassion to counter harsh self-judgments.

• Set aside specific times to reflect on your thoughts and concerns. Avoid constant rumination, as it can reinforce negative thinking patterns.  Don’t dwell on thoughts or feelings related to your anger, getting revenge on the people who have harmed you, or past mistakes that you’ve made.  Remember, we’re all human and we all make mistakes.  Practice forgiveness for yourself and other people in your life.

4. Learn about and practice radical acceptance:

• Radical Acceptance is a mindfulness skill that encourages individuals to fully accept reality, even when it's difficult, awful, or painful, without judgment or attempts to change it.  It involves acknowledging and embracing the present moment, including both the positive and negative aspects, without resistance or denial.

• Key components of Radical Acceptance include:

Mindfulness: Being fully present in the moment and observing thoughts, feelings, and sensations without judgment.

Letting Go of Control: Accepting that some things are beyond your control and recognizing that resisting reality can lead to increased suffering.

Non-Judgmental Stance: Suspending judgment about the situation or oneself. This involves letting go of labels like "good" or "bad" and simply observing without evaluation.

Turning the Mind: Making a conscious choice to accept reality rather than continuing to fight against it.

7.       Healthy Lifestyle:

• Your mind and body are not separate: they are one and the same!  If you look after your body, your mind will feel better as well.  One of the best treatments for and defenses against mental health problems is regular exercise. If you don’t exercise at all, start small: build in a 15-minute walk into your day.  Then, gradually increase how much time you exercise every week.  The more you exercise, the better you’ll feel!  Aim for at least 75 minutes of exercise per week, and then do more!

• Gut health is closely related to mental health.  Feed your gut bacteria the stuff that will make them happy, because that will help you be happier as well!  Try to gradually increase the amount of fruits and vegetables in your diet, keeping in mind special diets for medical conditions, like IBS, Krohn’s disease, diabetes, etc.

• Practice good sleep hygiene!  One of the most important changes you can make is to improve the quality of your sleep.  Consult with a sleep therapist or a physician to get advice on how to sleep better.  Without good sleep, you won’t feel good no matter what else you do.

How to live with your ex while separating?

So, you are separating from your ex-partner, but you haven’t been able to physically separate yet.  This can be one of the most difficult, stressful, and high conflict times in people’s lives!  It is also one of the most important times during your separation, as you are trying to live together while negotiating a separation agreement.  Your separation agreement will impact your life for many years to come, so it is important that you and your ex-partner both try your best to get a long, so that the agreement you reach is best for you, your children, and your ex-partner. Minimizing conflict between you and your ex will also make the process of negotiating a separation agreement faster, cheaper, and less stressful.

But how do you live with the person you are separating with, without getting upset, angry and into fights?  Here are some tips to living with your ex-partner as peacefully as possible, before you begin:

1.      Try to respect each other’s private space and not interfere in each other’s day-to-day life.

2.      Remember that you are both entitled to use any part of the house, apart from where you sleep.

3.      Respect each other’s privacy – there should be no inquiries about who the other person is spending their time with, whether they are dating, where they are, etc.  Because you are separating, you are both entitled to privacy on these issues.

4.      If you feel yourself getting angry, upset, or emotional, remove yourself from the situation. Go to your private space, go for a walk, spend the evening at someone else’s home, go for a drive, etc.

5.      Avoid discussing issues related to the separation (e.g., finances, sale of the home, etc.) – all of these issues should be discussed through the team – Carrie, Jonathan and/or your lawyers.

6.      Have as little communication as possible – do not constantly text, email, message or call each other.  Only communicate in an emergency.

7.      Create & respect boundaries – e.g., by saying to the other person in a respectful manner, I don’t want to talk about that right now – and respect boundaries that the other person has created.  If they have blocked your number, don’t then email or message them about the same subject using a different app.

How to protect yourself and your children from an abusive ex-partner?

Having a child or children with an abusive ex-partner is always a very challenging situation unless the ex-partner never has contact with you or your children after your separation.  Abusers can be men, and they can be women, however the vast majority of the time they are men.  Abusers are often attracted to giving people: people who are willing to sacrifice their own needs and wants for the sake of others.  In some relationships, when you have two givers, it works out well, because both people in the relationship give sometimes, but are also getting support and kindness from the other people.  Not so with abusers!  They are black holes of need, sucking up all of the support, love, patience, and kindness that you are able to give, and only demanding more when you have given up everything.  Their need to suck you dry only increases the more you give, just like a black hole sucks in matter and light, only to grow bigger and more powerful, now able to suck in more matter and light!  Exhausted and confused, people in abusive relationships often blame themselves (and are told by the abusers to blame themselves) for not doing enough around the house, not doing enough to meet their partner’s sexual needs, not doing enough to meet their partner’s demand for money, time, emotions, attention, and so on. 

Abusers try to rule the family in the same way as a dictator rules a country: with power and control.  If a dictator doesn’t like what one of their citizens are doing, they lock them up and have them beaten by corrupt police.  In relationships, if an abuser doesn’t like what their partner is doing, they lock them up in the house by isolating them from their friends and family with jealous, false claims that they are dependent on them, and “gaslighting” them (making you feel crazy for behaving in normal ways, or telling you that you are misremembering things when you know something is true). 

The abusers will use any means possible to control and manipulate you.  As the saying goes, “all is fair in love and war,” meaning that there are no limits to what your abuser will do to control and manipulate you.  They will verbally hurt you, psychologically destroy you, take your money, use the children against you, physically stop you from leaving, threaten to hurt you and/or the children if you try to leave or assert yourself, physically attack you, try to turn your friends, family and co-workers against you, and generally try to ruin you.  They will always be willing to take the fight one or more steps further than you ever will, because they don’t care about the consequences of hurting you or the children, they just want to win every time.

Real abusers often have personality disorders, like narcissistic, borderline, and antisocial personality disorders.  These are disorders that impact regions of their brain involved in empathy (i.e., caring for other people’s feelings), insight (i.e., understanding your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviours, as well as how your behaviours impact other people’s feelings), and emotional regulation (i.e., the ability to calm yourself down), making healthy relationships very difficult for them.  Not all bad relationships involve people with personality disorders, and not all people who engage in abusive behaviours have personality disorders.  In this article, I am providing tips for people who are dealing with abusers who have personality disorders.

Not sure if you are in an abusive relationship? Read this article:

https://canadianwomen.org/blog/warning-signs-abusive-controlling-relationship/

For most people, it is very hard to go up against abusive ex-partners in Family Court and in life in general, so there are some tips that can be helpful for getting you and your children through these difficult times. 

1.       Make sure that you look after yourself!

This is priority #1!  Without good self-care, you will not survive any battle with an abusive ex-partner.  Also, you will not be able to properly support your children if you do not look after yourself.  Ever been on a plane?  Remember the boring and repetitive “safety” presentation they perform at the beginning of each flight, explaining what to do in an emergency.  Flight attendants always say that if the pressure level in the cabin drops quickly, you must put your own oxygen mask on before putting it on your children. Why?  Because if you are unconscious, you are not going to be any help to anyone else on the plane, including your children. 

In a similar way, you must look after yourself when dealing with an abusive ex-partner in order to look after yourself in order to look after your children.  This may mean psychotherapy with someone registered with a professional college (in Ontario, only a limited number of professionals can provide psychotherapy, including social workers, psychologists, registered psychotherapists, physicians, and nurses).  This may mean leaning on friends and family for support.  It may mean reaching out to services in your area for support (see list below for services in the Peterborough/Lindsay/Cobourg/Durham regions), particularly Family Court supports.  This may mean getting a lawyer who has experience working with victims of abuse (check to make sure that they have domestic violence training before retaining them).

2.       Don’t play nice, expecting them to play nice!

One of the biggest mistakes I see over and over again in the dozens of family law and counselling cases I have dealt with over the years is that victims still expect their abusive ex-partner to be nice if they are treated nicely.  NOT TRUE! Abusers either don’t care about other people enough to control their behaviours, or they may lack insight into how their behaviours impact others.  Some abusers actually like seeing other people hurt – seeing others suffer brings them pleasure! They will not return nice behaviours with their own nice behaviours.  If you are kind, generous and trusting of them, they will abuse your trust, be vicious in their attacks against you, and take advantage of your generous, giving nature.  Don’t fall into their trap!  But also, don’t be mean to them, because you will lose in a battle of who can be meaner!

Instead of being mean to them, which won’t solve any problems, you have to be firm and friendly with them.  Set very clear boundaries and give them consequences if they violate those boundaries.  For example, tell them to stop calling you all hours of the night or you will block their number.  The first time they violate this boundary and call you late at night, block their number.  Don’t waste time negotiating, giving them a second, third, fourth, fifth, chance, because they won’t ever be able to respect your boundaries.  Block their number immediately.  If they come to your house unwanted, call the police immediately.  Don’t wait until they have broken down your door, gotten inside your house and can physically threaten you.  Stand firm, set boundaries, and enforce those boundaries!

Bill Eddy has created a useful strategy for dealing with people who have difficult personalities, called the “BIFF” response.  Read more about that here: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/biff-responses

3.       Protect your children!

Abusers have no boundaries when it comes to getting what they want.  Most people would not want to purposely hurt their children in order to get their way, because most people care about children and want them to be happy and healthy.  Not so with abusers.  Either they lack the self-control to protect children from their abuse, or they don’t care about the children enough to protect them, or they want to hurt you so badly they don’t care who they have to stomp on to get at you.  Abusers will often make false allegations against you: “they are alienating the kids from me,” “they are keeping the children from me,” “they don’t want me to have relationships with the kids,” “they are too controlling,” “they are trying to turn everyone against me.”

Remember, the things that abusers say aren’t true – they are saying these things to try to manipulate you.  If they are abusive, they will try to take advantage of your good nature, your kindness, your desire to get along by making you feel bad for protecting the children from them.  When you stop the other parent from seeing the children, that is called “gatekeeping,” kind of like you are standing at a gate and deciding who gets through the gate, and who the gate is closed to.  There are two kids of parents that protect their children from the other parent by gatekeeping: 1) Parents who gatekeep to hurt the other parent, but the gatekeeping doesn’t actually protect the children.  This is “inappropriate gatekeeping.”  2)  Parents who gatekeep to protect their children from abuse or harm.  This is “appropriate gatekeeping” and is what you will need to do to protect the children, even if the abusive parent is saying that you are alienating the children from them or being a controlling parent.  It is appropriate to stop children from seeing an abusive parent because abuse is harmful to children.  It causes mental and physical health issues for them.  It makes it hard for them to concentrate and do well in school.  It makes it hard for them to get a good night’s sleep. 

There are many options to allow the abusive parent to still see the children, but prevent them from being exposed to abuse.  You can ask for supervised visits, either by a trusted family member or a supervised access centre.  You can have video call visits (e.g., Zoom, Facetime, Messenger, etc.).  You can have the parent and child play video games remotely together (e.g., Fortnite, Minecraft, Roblox).  You can limit the amount of time the children spend with their abusive parent (e.g., daytime visits only, one overnight only).  You can have the visits occur in a public setting.  Talk to a lawyer, social worker, or family mediator to talk about what all of the options are for ensuring the safety of your children when they are with the other parent. 

4.       Be open and honest with the authorities about the abuse!

Many people in an abusive relationship have contact with police, counsellors, child protection workers, family court and other authorities.  It is very important that you tell your story to the professionals involved in your lives.  If the neighbours call the police, tell the police officers about the abuse if they are called by you or the neighbours.  If you have to go to family court, make sure you mention the abuse in your court documents (e.g., application, affidavits, answers to the other parent’s affidavits).  If the Children’s Aid Society worker comes to meet with you, make sure you tell them about the abuse. 

All too often I see people in abusive relationships lie to police officers, counsellors, and Children’s Aid Society workers about the abuse.  Sometimes they downplay it (e.g., it wasn’t that bad, I wasn’t hurt).  Sometimes they excuse the abuse (e.g., they were just tired, they were drinking, they were stressed).  Sometimes they outright deny that any abuse has happened.  Victims of abuse lie to these authorities for a lot of different reasons.  They may be afraid that if they tell the truth, the children will be removed from their care.  They may be afraid that the abusive parent will get the children if someone finds out about the abuse.  They may be in denial of being in an abusive relationship.  They may lie to protect the abuser, because even though the abuser treats them poorly, they still love their abuser and don’t want to hurt them.  They may be afraid of the abuser’s reaction if they tell the authorities and worry about their own safety. 

It is really important to push past all of these reasons and look at the big picture.  You won’t lose the children if you tell the truth about the abuse – in fact, you are more likely to get in trouble with the authorities if you lie about the abuse, than if you tell the truth.  If they think you are hiding the abuse, they may not trust that you can protect the children from the abuse.  These professionals can be strong allies in helping you manage your ex-partner and can provide powerful evidence in family court, influencing the judge’s opinion about the abuse.  If you tell the police about the abuse, they will create a record (police report) that you can access at a later date that describes what happened, which you can use in family court to promote your point of view and help you protect the children. 

Do not believe the other parent’s threats that the children will be taken away from you if you tell anyone about the abuse! 

5.       Know the risks of separating from an abusive partner!

Separating from an abusive partner is the time when women are at most risk of physical harm and death by murder!  Take the risks seriously!  Tell family members what you are going through.  Reach out to friends for support.  Connect with local services and professionals that can help protect you, like women’s services, counsellors, lawyers, family mediators, and so on.  Don’t think that you can manage the risk alone or by ignoring the risk.  If you take steps to protect yourself, and your ex-partner doesn’t become violent with you, you’ve only lost a few minutes or hours of your time.  If you don’t take steps to protect yourself and you are assaulted or murdered, the consequences can be severe!  Also remember that protecting yourself means that you are also protecting your children. 

The number one thing that you can do to protect yourself and your children is to have a safety plan and to follow it in times of danger.  Here are some resources and services to help you safety plan:

a)       https://www.cleo.on.ca/sites/default/files/book_pdfs/plan.pdf

b)      http://www.neighboursfriendsandfamilies.ca/i-want-to-help/safety-planning.html

c)       https://www.ontario.ca/page/womens-issues

d)      https://ovss.findhelp.ca/

e)      https://lukesplace.ca/

f)        https://womensresources.ca/

g)       https://cornerstonenorthumberland.ca/

h)      https://ywcapeterborough.org/

i)        https://www.thedenisehouse.com/

This is not a list of all of the services in your area.  Feel free to contact Jonathan for more information: paynterj@hotmail.com

How/when/what to tell the children when you are separating?

Separation can be one of the most difficult experiences for people in Canada.  Having been through the process myself, I can tell you that it was the worst period of my entire life.  I felt ashamed, isolated, rejected, alone, and hopeless.  I became quite depressed, had difficulty sleeping, and cried frequently.  I experienced nightmares, mood swings, and withdrew from friends and family.  Thankfully, after months of suffering and sadness, I recovered, rebounded, and am now healthier and happier than ever!  Healing took time, but I promise that there is hope at the end of the tunnel.

Despite feeling so terrible, when my children were with me, I had to put my head on straight, control my emotions, and reassure them that everything would be ok (even though I didn’t believe it at the time).  My kids needed me (and my ex-wife) to help them get through what was probably their most difficult time.  Reflecting back, it’s important to keep in mind some things when you are telling the children that you and their other parent are going to be separating:

·       Children recover quickly from the shock of learning that their parents are separating, and tend to adapt quite well to new schedules, new houses, new family members (e.g., stepparents, stepsiblings).

·       Separation on its own does not cause harm to children;

·       Being exposed to fights/arguments/nasty comments between their parents, being separated from a parent for a long period of time (e.g., months, years) and living in poverty after separation are the factors that will negatively influence the long-term health and wellbeing of your children.

·       Parents can help their children survive the stress of separation by thinking of the children first, avoiding conflict with the other parent, shielding the children from adult fights/arguments, and creating as little stress for the children as possible.

·       Remember that stress for children (and adults) can be toxic to their health! Studies show that children exposed to a lot of stress can be much more likely to develop mental health problems (e.g., depression, anxiety, addictions, etc.) later in life, compared to children who do not experience a lot of stress (some stress is good for them, like learning a new sport, or learning how to do tests in school).

·       Toxic stress can also harm children’s physical health, causing major health problems later in life, like diabetes, heart disease, cancer, and other health problems.

So, given all of this information, how, when and what to tell your children when you’re separating?

How:

If you can, have a discussion with your ex ahead of time, using this guide, to come up with a plan for what to tell the children and when to tell them.  It will be more positive, more impactful and best if you can agree on this plan ahead of time, and then tell them together.  Telling them separately may cause you and your ex to give them different messages, confusing the children and making them feel stress. 

If you can’t be with the other parent, it can be helpful for you and your ex to agree on a script of what to tell the children.  If you can’t even been in the same room with your ex without a fight or argument breaking out between you, it’s better to tell them separately than expose them to the stress.  If you come up with a script, make sure that you both stick to it!

You can enlist the help of a trained, experienced professional to work with both of you on a plan to tell the children.  Listen to the professional’s advice and follow it to the letter.  The professional will not have the same emotional stress, upset feelings or relationship with your ex that might cloud your judgement (or your ex’s judgement), and will be able to give you thoughtful, neutral advice on what to tell the kids.

It may also be helpful for the children to have other supports available to them.  Those supports could be close friends or family that have good relationships with the kids (e.g., best friends, aunts/uncles, grandparents, cousins, etc.), or a professional counsellor.  School boards in Ontario have social workers who can meet with the children to provide counselling, and all areas of Ontario have counsellors/therapists who can be seen for free, working for a government-funded service, or counsellors/therapists who charge by the hour.  Your workplace benefits (if you have any) may cover the cost of some or all of your child’s counselling sessions.

When:

As soon as you know that you will be separating, your first priority should be planning on how to tell the children.  They should know as soon as possible about your plans to separate.  They may already suspect that something is going on, noticing that you and your ex are no longer sharing a room together, or that you are beginning to spend a lot of time separately, or that you are not speaking to each other.  Helping them understand why those things are happening is important, so they don’t feel as much stress.  Sometimes, the unknown can be scary for kids, and helping them understand what’s going on in their family can be upsetting for them, but not as stressful as the fear of the unknown!

When you first tell them, you may not know all of the details of where they will be living, when they will see their mom and dad, whether they have to change schools or live in a new city.  It’s ok if you don’t have any of these details.  It’s ok to tell them that you don’t know.  You can reassure them by telling them a few important things:

·       Mommy and Daddy (or Daddy and Daddy/Mommy and Mommy) both love them very much.

·       Daddy and Mommy (or any combination of those titles) will make sure that they are well cared for, comfortable, and happy.

·       As soon as Mommy and Daddy know where they will be living, they will tell the kids.

·       As soon as Daddy and Mommy know what the parenting schedule will be, they will tell the kids.

·       As soon as Mommy and Daddy know whether they have to change schools or make any other major changes to their lives, they will tell the kids.

·       It’s ok to be scared about the unknown, but Daddy and Mommy will make sure that they are ok.

Also, try to pick a good time of day/day of the week to tell the kids.  Don’t tell them just before they have a big test, just before bedtime, just before a sporting event, just before they head over to a friend’s house for a sleepover, etc.  Also make sure they’re not too tired, hungry, or distracted when you tell them.  Make sure they have time to ask questions, have a cuddle, or a cry. 

What:

It’s important to remember that children do best when they have two excellent relationships with both of their parents (even if those parents are living separately).  Therefore, we want to be careful not to tell the children anything that might impact their relationship with the other parent.  The other parent may not have been a good spouse/wife/husband/partner to you, but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t a good parent.  Telling the children about affairs, and making other negative comments about the other parent (e.g., she’s a liar, he’s lazy, etc.) will only hurt the children’s relationship with the other parent and, therefore, will only hurt the children.  Please reconsider if you are planning on telling the children any of the following (these are all examples of things that I have heard parents say to their children):

·       Telling the children what’s going on in Family Court or with the lawyers.

·       Insulting or putting down the other parent.

·       Making fun of the other parent.

·       Expressing sarcasm when talking about the other parent.

·       Telling the children that it’s the other parent’s fault that you are separating.

·       Telling the children about the affair (real or suspected) that you think the other parent had.

·       That the other parent is not as good a parent as you are.

·       Telling the kids that the other parent is a bad person or a bad parent.

·       That the other parent is a danger to the children.

·       That the children have to tell you what’s going on with the other parent.

·       That you aren’t coping well with the separation.

·       That your children’s other parent is hurting you and the kids.

·       That the children can choose where they want to live when they’re old enough.

·       That you’ll call the police if the other parent does the wrong thing, or doesn’t do what you want them to.

·       That the children caused or contributed to the separation.

Ok, I could go on with a much longer list of all of the things that parents should NOT say to their children, but let’s go on to the list of things that you SHOULD say to your children:

·       Mommy and Daddy (or any combination of those) have decided to separate for adult reasons that are not your fault.

·       We both love you very much.

·       We will both make sure that you are well looked after in both homes when we begin living separately.

·       You will get to see both Daddy and Mommy lots (tell them the schedule, if you know it).

·       We will make sure that both of your homes are comfortable (tell them where the homes are if you know).

·       It is not your fault that the separation is happening.

·       You cannot do anything to prevent the separation.

·       You should be worrying about kid things, like playing with friends, playing with their toys, learning in school, etc. – let the adults worry about adult things.

·       No matter what happens, both of your parents will always love you and look after you.

·       Daddy and Mommy (or any combination of those) will let you know as soon as we know about any big changes in your lives (parenting schedule, new home address, school changes, etc.).

·       If you have any questions, you can ask Mommy or Daddy those questions.  We will answer your questions if we can, when we can.

Remember that kids come in all shapes, sizes and ages.  What may work for one child who is 4-years-old, likely won’t work for a child who is 14 years old.  Adapt your message for the audience; you know your children best, and will know how/when/what to tell them.  A family professional (e.g., social worker, psychologist, family mediator, psychotherapist) can help give you advice on the best messages based on the ages/stages of your children.

Lastly, you may need support, comfort, and advice leading up to telling the children.  It can be one of the hardest things that you do during a separation.  If it’s done right, however, your kids will do well!