Separation can be one of the most difficult experiences for people in Canada. Having been through the process myself, I can tell you that it was the worst period of my entire life. I felt ashamed, isolated, rejected, alone, and hopeless. I became quite depressed, had difficulty sleeping, and cried frequently. I experienced nightmares, mood swings, and withdrew from friends and family. Thankfully, after months of suffering and sadness, I recovered, rebounded, and am now healthier and happier than ever! Healing took time, but I promise that there is hope at the end of the tunnel.
Despite feeling so terrible, when my children were with me, I had to put my head on straight, control my emotions, and reassure them that everything would be ok (even though I didn’t believe it at the time). My kids needed me (and my ex-wife) to help them get through what was probably their most difficult time. Reflecting back, it’s important to keep in mind some things when you are telling the children that you and their other parent are going to be separating:
· Children recover quickly from the shock of learning that their parents are separating, and tend to adapt quite well to new schedules, new houses, new family members (e.g., stepparents, stepsiblings).
· Separation on its own does not cause harm to children;
· Being exposed to fights/arguments/nasty comments between their parents, being separated from a parent for a long period of time (e.g., months, years) and living in poverty after separation are the factors that will negatively influence the long-term health and wellbeing of your children.
· Parents can help their children survive the stress of separation by thinking of the children first, avoiding conflict with the other parent, shielding the children from adult fights/arguments, and creating as little stress for the children as possible.
· Remember that stress for children (and adults) can be toxic to their health! Studies show that children exposed to a lot of stress can be much more likely to develop mental health problems (e.g., depression, anxiety, addictions, etc.) later in life, compared to children who do not experience a lot of stress (some stress is good for them, like learning a new sport, or learning how to do tests in school).
· Toxic stress can also harm children’s physical health, causing major health problems later in life, like diabetes, heart disease, cancer, and other health problems.
So, given all of this information, how, when and what to tell your children when you’re separating?
How:
If you can, have a discussion with your ex ahead of time, using this guide, to come up with a plan for what to tell the children and when to tell them. It will be more positive, more impactful and best if you can agree on this plan ahead of time, and then tell them together. Telling them separately may cause you and your ex to give them different messages, confusing the children and making them feel stress.
If you can’t be with the other parent, it can be helpful for you and your ex to agree on a script of what to tell the children. If you can’t even been in the same room with your ex without a fight or argument breaking out between you, it’s better to tell them separately than expose them to the stress. If you come up with a script, make sure that you both stick to it!
You can enlist the help of a trained, experienced professional to work with both of you on a plan to tell the children. Listen to the professional’s advice and follow it to the letter. The professional will not have the same emotional stress, upset feelings or relationship with your ex that might cloud your judgement (or your ex’s judgement), and will be able to give you thoughtful, neutral advice on what to tell the kids.
It may also be helpful for the children to have other supports available to them. Those supports could be close friends or family that have good relationships with the kids (e.g., best friends, aunts/uncles, grandparents, cousins, etc.), or a professional counsellor. School boards in Ontario have social workers who can meet with the children to provide counselling, and all areas of Ontario have counsellors/therapists who can be seen for free, working for a government-funded service, or counsellors/therapists who charge by the hour. Your workplace benefits (if you have any) may cover the cost of some or all of your child’s counselling sessions.
When:
As soon as you know that you will be separating, your first priority should be planning on how to tell the children. They should know as soon as possible about your plans to separate. They may already suspect that something is going on, noticing that you and your ex are no longer sharing a room together, or that you are beginning to spend a lot of time separately, or that you are not speaking to each other. Helping them understand why those things are happening is important, so they don’t feel as much stress. Sometimes, the unknown can be scary for kids, and helping them understand what’s going on in their family can be upsetting for them, but not as stressful as the fear of the unknown!
When you first tell them, you may not know all of the details of where they will be living, when they will see their mom and dad, whether they have to change schools or live in a new city. It’s ok if you don’t have any of these details. It’s ok to tell them that you don’t know. You can reassure them by telling them a few important things:
· Mommy and Daddy (or Daddy and Daddy/Mommy and Mommy) both love them very much.
· Daddy and Mommy (or any combination of those titles) will make sure that they are well cared for, comfortable, and happy.
· As soon as Mommy and Daddy know where they will be living, they will tell the kids.
· As soon as Daddy and Mommy know what the parenting schedule will be, they will tell the kids.
· As soon as Mommy and Daddy know whether they have to change schools or make any other major changes to their lives, they will tell the kids.
· It’s ok to be scared about the unknown, but Daddy and Mommy will make sure that they are ok.
Also, try to pick a good time of day/day of the week to tell the kids. Don’t tell them just before they have a big test, just before bedtime, just before a sporting event, just before they head over to a friend’s house for a sleepover, etc. Also make sure they’re not too tired, hungry, or distracted when you tell them. Make sure they have time to ask questions, have a cuddle, or a cry.
What:
It’s important to remember that children do best when they have two excellent relationships with both of their parents (even if those parents are living separately). Therefore, we want to be careful not to tell the children anything that might impact their relationship with the other parent. The other parent may not have been a good spouse/wife/husband/partner to you, but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t a good parent. Telling the children about affairs, and making other negative comments about the other parent (e.g., she’s a liar, he’s lazy, etc.) will only hurt the children’s relationship with the other parent and, therefore, will only hurt the children. Please reconsider if you are planning on telling the children any of the following (these are all examples of things that I have heard parents say to their children):
· Telling the children what’s going on in Family Court or with the lawyers.
· Insulting or putting down the other parent.
· Making fun of the other parent.
· Expressing sarcasm when talking about the other parent.
· Telling the children that it’s the other parent’s fault that you are separating.
· Telling the children about the affair (real or suspected) that you think the other parent had.
· That the other parent is not as good a parent as you are.
· Telling the kids that the other parent is a bad person or a bad parent.
· That the other parent is a danger to the children.
· That the children have to tell you what’s going on with the other parent.
· That you aren’t coping well with the separation.
· That your children’s other parent is hurting you and the kids.
· That the children can choose where they want to live when they’re old enough.
· That you’ll call the police if the other parent does the wrong thing, or doesn’t do what you want them to.
· That the children caused or contributed to the separation.
Ok, I could go on with a much longer list of all of the things that parents should NOT say to their children, but let’s go on to the list of things that you SHOULD say to your children:
· Mommy and Daddy (or any combination of those) have decided to separate for adult reasons that are not your fault.
· We both love you very much.
· We will both make sure that you are well looked after in both homes when we begin living separately.
· You will get to see both Daddy and Mommy lots (tell them the schedule, if you know it).
· We will make sure that both of your homes are comfortable (tell them where the homes are if you know).
· It is not your fault that the separation is happening.
· You cannot do anything to prevent the separation.
· You should be worrying about kid things, like playing with friends, playing with their toys, learning in school, etc. – let the adults worry about adult things.
· No matter what happens, both of your parents will always love you and look after you.
· Daddy and Mommy (or any combination of those) will let you know as soon as we know about any big changes in your lives (parenting schedule, new home address, school changes, etc.).
· If you have any questions, you can ask Mommy or Daddy those questions. We will answer your questions if we can, when we can.
Remember that kids come in all shapes, sizes and ages. What may work for one child who is 4-years-old, likely won’t work for a child who is 14 years old. Adapt your message for the audience; you know your children best, and will know how/when/what to tell them. A family professional (e.g., social worker, psychologist, family mediator, psychotherapist) can help give you advice on the best messages based on the ages/stages of your children.
Lastly, you may need support, comfort, and advice leading up to telling the children. It can be one of the hardest things that you do during a separation. If it’s done right, however, your kids will do well!